May 2020

We are usually just cruising along in our relationship… But recently this guy has really had a run with my worst temper.

Quarantine & we’ve had a stopped drain in the kitchen for 3 weeks. Every bit of water we used for cooking or cleaning had to be manually scooped out of the sink —-2-3 times a day… UNTIL Yesterday!

It’s not like we didn’t have time to do it… it was just how often I thought it should be done and by who! (Equally, I thought to myself.) And he felt his job was to nag the insurance company once a day to get a plumber.

Was there some sexist thing going on here? Was he not respecting me? I asked myself.

Being trapped was showing me moments of my lowest self. Those deep wounds from past experiences were showing their ugly heads in my unchecked ego.

My choices at this moment;
1- Fight for his attitude to change. Doesn’t he see what his actions say?
2- Have an open mind. Just as I practice every day with our language differences… that this is not what he’s doing or saying. Breathe and reproach.
3-Practice compassion and acceptance with my self as I heal in my journey.

Yes, You’ve been hurt, screwed, mislead, abandon… but maybe not always… or even this time. Trust that you are worth being loved as you are and that you not in danger of being hoodwinked into a relationship of servitude, inequality. (as others in my family I perceive.)

“Quarantine or not, relationships have conflict, misunderstandings. How you navigate that conflict either shrink your relationship into a stalemate of blame and resentment or expands it into greater love and compassion. Remembering you have a choice is a true power.” @emily_begins 

So when the sink drain was freed, I wiped down the kitchen counters, mopped the kitchen floor. Did some laundry. Took care of some admin tasks … All I left until the last-minute because …(As I reminded myself with compassion). I thought it was my “RIGHT” to do in my previously unhappy state.

And moved on.

It is true …one of our deepest human needs is to be really seen for who we are and are loved just the same. Love is like climbing a mountain where there are amazing views and so much to take in, but the air is thinner, and not many people are able to sustain living at that altitude.
The moral expectations are high in that climate. Knowing your capability of living there, i.e.; your triggers, weak spots, your to-go baggage zones should be taken into account and owned when making the commitment to live there.

I’ve learned that stepping back with awareness and making wise choices always services me better… makes us closer. And all the difference.

XX Kathy